


They Had a Good Run

by Spnwritingfan09



Category: Supernatural, destiel - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-04
Updated: 2015-06-04
Packaged: 2018-04-02 18:52:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4070782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spnwritingfan09/pseuds/Spnwritingfan09
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Someone talking about a bruised and bloody Cas holding flowers on tumblr sent me into a feels mood. A mood in which Cas is still left hanging around and the Winchesters were taken from much earlier than he was prepared for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "One-sided Conversation"

It was customary for Cas to visit the make-shift grave sites every year. Heaven still won't let him back in so he can't do much but visit Dean. And _Sam_ , of course, but mostly Dean. He sat down and reached for the dying flowers. He tossed them aside. He placed freshly cut flowers in the now empty spot. Breathing had become harder ever since...but he managed to speak. 

"Hey, I miss you guys." It never fails. He always started the one-sided conversation like this. "I got a job again at the Gas 'n Sip. Occasionally, I also pass off tips to other hunters. I've sort of become the 'new Bobby' operating as their FBI superiors..." Cas's voice trailed off and he looked into the distance. "Sometimes, I get that one hunter who hasn't heard that the Winchesters have passed. Passed long before I wanted them to. I was sort of hoping to see the two of you grow into old men. To stand beside Dean, even take care of his grumpy old self when the time called for it. It actually never occurred to me that you'd just be gone," Cas let out a sigh. Because of his remaining grace he lived, he survived but because of the angel he is, he still felt emotions and pain like nothing else. This is also where the tears usually welled up into his eyes, because there was still so much more he needed to tell them. _So much more he wanted to tell Dean_.

"Sam, I'm gonna have to ask you to stop listening for a moment. Go away and do something else, I need to talk to Dean, alone." A breeze caught the trees in the distance and it was almost a faint whisper, but he was sure he heard Sam's voice say, "Cas, it's not like I don't have a clue what you're gonna say. You say pretty much everything the same year, with maybe a new addition here and there, but sure I'll disappear."

"You got your ears on?" Cas said to the wind. It seemed as if the wind responded with a chuckle; it sounded like Dean's. Cas smiled. "Yes, that is one of things you always said to me when you prayed. I miss you, Dean. I loved you, Dean. I mean I still love you and I can't see you. I'm locked out of Heaven. Literally. Hannah has heard my pleas, she still won't let me visit your souls. 'No fraterinizing' she says." Cas used air quotes for emphasis. "I mean I _have_ thought about doing some _things with you_..." Cas stopped himself. "I just wish you here. I need you back. I need you in your favorite bath robe at the bunker bringing a cup of coffee to Sam whose pouring away over research on how to beat the Darkness... You guys sure did beat it, huh? Did I have to lose you? I suppose that's fair right? After all we've done to this world, breaking it, fixing it, breaking it again, my punishment would be to live without _you_." Cas paused, this time the tears were streaming down his face. This he actually, physically felt.


	2. "Obviously He's Shaken By This"

Cas's eyes flew open. Dean was shaking him. Shaking him awake? He thought confused. He wasn't supposed to sleep. Then he realized they had been on a hunt. A hunt after a djinn. The one that uses nightmares and fears against you. Cas felt Dean's hands grab his face. "Hey, hey, look at me." Dean said, his voice permeating Cas's ears, "You're okay, we got you."

Sam helped Dean release him from the binds and up out of the chair. "I still don't know how this worked on you, but lately all the monsters, demons everything has been packing more mojo." Dean said as he pulled one of Cas's arms over his shoulders and hooked the other around his waist.

"Well, that's gotta be the Darkness," Sam offered. "It seems like the only plausible explanation. Something like that oughta be able to feed monsters some juice sort of like Eve, the mother of all." Dean only nodded in response as they headed out towards the car. Cas could barely walk so he really used Dean as a crutch. Staying glued to the hunter and when Dean let him go to put him in the back seat of the impala, he finally managed to speak.

"Dean-"

"Yeah, Cas?" Dean responded before closing the car door. "Um, please, sit back here with me. Let Sam drive." Dean's face contorted in pain. The djinn must've been packing some heat to make Cas feel this way; to make him look so frightened. The only other time Dean saw this look on Cas's face was when he was being controlled by Naomi. "Did you want to talk about it Cas?" asked Dean, feeling a bit awkward sitting the backseat of his baby. The backseat, he usually used for other things, but for Cas he'd suffer through this.

Dean felt Cas reach out for his hand and squeeze it tightly. It reminded him of the time he held onto Cas's hand so tightly when trying to get him out of Purgatory but then... Dean caught Sam's eyes in the rearview mirror and immediately rolled his eyes as if to say, " _I don't know, what's wrong._ " Sam gestured with a nod, " _I don't know either, talk to him_." Dean's jaw tightened as Cas's grip on his hand squeezed harder.

"Cas!" Dean said, not caring anymore about Sam. "You're gonna break my fingers."

"Oh," Cas let go of his hand. "Sorry, I'm just glad to touch you." Dean made that face he always did; like he's contemplating it and then he agrees with whatever direction his dirty mind took the phrasing. "Well, Cas, I'm flattered, but still not sure what you mean exactly. Care to explain?"

"It's best described as an incurable loneliness." Cas explained. "A loneliness that I couldn't get out of. I knew what was happening wasn't right, but with each passing moment I just fell into it. It was almost becoming reality, visiting yours and Sam's grave." Cas paused to collect himself. He wasn't sure how to actually voice the words he said in the djinn hallucination. Now more than ever he wanted to make sure that Dean Winchester knew he much he loved him. And even how much he loved Sam.

"Go on Cas," instinctively Dean reached out for Cas's hand. Cas was surprised and welcomed the affection with a slight smile. It soon faded when he continued, "A year would go by working a at Gas 'n Sip. Being a Men of Letters, helping hunters." Dean chuckled. Cas gave him a stern glare.

"No, sorry. It's just you and that Gas 'n Sip. Did you think that it to was a part of the nightmare?" Dean asked and realized he had said something terribly wrong. The pain on Cas's face was almost unbearable and he was certain the angel was close to tears.

"That's the point, Dean. I knew it was djinn nightmare, but I figure if I can't get myself out I'd wait for you guys to come get me. The Gas 'n Sip wasn't a friendly reminder. It was more or less another empty, hurtful and otherwise very painful memory of you. That's what my nightmare was. Losing you, Dean." Dean did that little intake of breath and painted his face with a "taken aback" look. Cas continued before he could speak. "Of course, I was sad about Sam too, but that's different. I knew it was different. Even with the remaining grace that I have left, I could feel everything as if I had been Steve working at the Gas 'n Sip. This djinn nightmare was a profoundly human experience and Dean it hurt. Visting the make-shift grave, because of course we meaning me gave you guys a hunters burial. But this Cas needed some place to go so I created a grave site to visit. Every year went by in a flash and I'd be sitti-"

"I don't mean to interupt, but I think we should keep talking somewhere else? Like say at the next exit where there's a motel?" Sam suggested, realizing that this was going to be one lengthy conversation and bouncing up and down the road in the impala was getting frustrating. He wasn't really included in this conversation he could tell, but still if he could give Dean and Cas some privacy the conversation might happen more quickly. Cas shrugged, "Fine. I could use a bed to sit on." Cas said nonchalantly as Sam pulled off on the next exit and found the nearest motel about a mile down. Sam booked them two rooms.

When he handed a key off to Dean, Cas snatched it from him read the number off it and headed over to it. Sam headed in the other direction to his room, his brother stopped him.

"Yo, hey Sammy, where you going?" Dean asked.

"To my room," Sam simply said.

"Oh." said Dean. "That's probably good. Cause either it's me and you bunking in a bed or..."

"Well-" Sam began and then stopped. "Well, what?" Dean's curosity got the better of him. He wanted to know what his little brother was up to. "If there was only one room avaiable the most plausible option would be for you and Cas to share a bed, or if it had to be me and Cas, I'd deal. Or I'd just sleep on the floor or some shit. But you know, just saying. Go talk with him. It's obviously you he wants to talk to. I got enough in the impala. I was even surprised to hear that my death, even djinn induced death would pain him so much. It actually sort of made me happy. I love him like a brother just as much as I love you, Dean. Cas is family. Go help him, because obviously this has shaken him."

"Why me? I suck at this touchy feely crap." Dean scoffed. "Dean, suck it up and go talk to the angel." Sam was getting tired of Dean holding back. It'd been long enough since the Darkness had been released and since Cas had forgiven Dean for almost killing him. Enough was enough already so if Sam could accelerate this he was going to.

"Fine," Dean sighed. "Um, Sam do you remember the room number, because Cas he-"

"Room 7." Dean nodded and the brothers headed in different directions.


	3. "Heaven's Cardinal Rule"

Dean opened the motel room door to find Cas sitting cross-legged on the middle of floor, talking to himself. "Hey, guys I miss you..." Cas muttered under his breath. The slam of the motel room door startled him. Dean immediately knelt down beside him, hand on his shoulder.

"Whoa, Cas, buddy, you all right?"

"No, Dean I'm not." He jerked his shoulder away from Dean's hand. Dean was instantly reminded of when he, Cas and Crowley had to prod the angel Gadreel out of Sammy. He shook his head. This djinn was causing painful emotional shit to resurface in reality, Dean was glad he and Sam ganked the son of a bitch.

"Did you want to continue talking? You left off about how you'd visit our make-shift graves." The words sounded weird for Dean to say, because well, he had just recently killed Death himself and Death had actually never fazed him or any of his family. Cas didn't move from his sitting position on the floor, so Dean joined him. Sitting down right in front of him. Dean took a deep breath. No chick flick moments, he told himself. Yeah, right. There's no getting around this. He took both of Cas's hands in his.

"Cas, look at me. I'm here. You can feel my hands. See my face." Dean lowered his head to get Cas's baby blues to look at him. Cas lifted his head. The green eyes were looking at him with affection. He didn't let Dean let go of his hands. Dean willingly went along with it, letting Cas hold his hands as the angel continued.

"There is really only one thing I want to say to you. Something that's been difficult for me to admit to, because it's against Heaven's rules. Not that I ever lived by those rules, even since you met me." Dean smiled. "Yeah, you aren't the hammer, I thought you to be." Dean licked his lips and let out a breath.

He was pretty certain his was totally unprepared for what Cas was about to say to him. Pretty sure that he'd never be able to actually say it back. "I am surprised you remember that conversation, but yes I had my doubts, never really cared for Heaven's rules. Yet I am still an angel and there is that one rule that some angels despise. The one rule I have been breaking for quite awhile now. Metatron was the only one who knew it and actually accepted it. Yes, he accepted it for his own evil plan, but still." Cas was rambling like a bumbling idiot. This caused a rush of laughter to explode from Dean. Cas's facial expressions were the best when he tried to piece together words for making his point.

Dean stopped laughing when he caught a glance at the current face Cas was making. "Damn, Cas, if looks could kill. Sorry, it was just funny to me. Though, I am still not sure what you're talking about." Dean was playing stupid. He had an idea, but wasn't ready to commit to it.

"You ever wonder why Metatron had to use my grace for the spell? Why couldn't he use some other angel's grace? You know. Why couldn't he have just used Naomi's after he killed her? I've asked myself these questions over and over again and it wasn't until after this djinn nightmare that I found the answer. The heart of a nephilim, the bow of a Cupid, the grace of an angel...the first two are involved in the love affairs of humans. The nephilim born of angel and human reproduction, the Cupid a garrison of angels who make sure that certain humans find one another. Love was the downfall of Heaven. Love was the key that unlocked the doors and sent the angels falling. My grace was that last ingredient because I broke a cardinal rule and fell in love with a human. I fell in love with you."

A silence filled the air for quite some time. The both of them still holding on to each other's hands. Dean closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He did this about three more times and then went for it. He dived in, getting up onto his knees and kissed the angel. Cas responded easily. _In fact, Dean, thought, for not having much practice he was too good at this_. Cas's hands found their way up Dean's back and rested between his shoulders blades, pulling Dean closer into the kiss. Dean smiled, their lips still locked and slowly he slid down onto Cas's lap. Cas pulled away from the kiss for a second, resting his head against Dean's chin. Dean's eye's glinted with surprise when the angel simply hugged him around the middle, bringing him in closer and tighter...

"I know, Cas. I know," he tangled his fingers through Cas's hair and rested his lips against Cas's forehead.


End file.
